Drunk History - Roger Simpson
by SapphireGauntlet
Summary: Set after the Changes in Perspective story in a far future. In a party, the guests are entertained by a surprise episode of Drunk History about one of Sam's ancestors, Roger Simpson. Former spy and a founder of the Hellfire Club.


**AN: Another impulse write, but it was prompted by a realization. In the Changes in Perspective series (Where the blood runs is the first book), I will mainly be focusing on the Lurezzi-Skailinski family history and how it impacts the characters present. As much as I want Tim and Geraldine to learn about Sam's family history, it seems to do nothing for the story as a whole and was more of a filler part (this is the same reason why I wrote 'Satisfied' for the Britney side story that I was supposed to also incorporate in the story). **

**I had set this story after the events of the Changes in Perspective story (I'm contemplating currently if it's a trilogy or if it will just end in the sequel). **

**It would also really help if you've watched a few episodes of Drunk History (even if its just the youtube clips) just so you would be familiar with what I'm trying to go for.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Totally Spies which is owned by Marathon. Nor do I own Marvel's Hellfire Club or the show "Drunk History". I only use the method of Drunk History and I own the OCs featured in this story.**

**Lastly legends (so you won't get confused along the way)**

_Italicized words _– Kaycee's narration.

_**Bold and Italicized –**_ Lip synced by the actors and Lucas.

**Let the show begin**

"I can't believe you two convinced me to do this." A woman in her early twenties with black wavy hair and sea-green eyes sat with her arms crossed as she sat Indian style on a sofa. She was known for resembling her paternal grandmother but having her mother's lips and pale white skin.

"Kaycee it's going to be fun." Lucas, her second older brother and the mastermind behind this humiliating project. His red orange hair was styled in the same way as their father. Like his sister he had sea-green eyes and white skin. But he had his father's facial features.

"Excuse me but unlike, you two I'm active in the Hellfire Club. What if something gets out?"

"First of all dear baby sister" Dante says as he begins to prepare the first of many drinks. Unlike his two siblings, he was a near carbon copy of his father. Almost to the point wherein other people would ask Sam if she's sure that Tim Scam didn't do something with his sperm to make a clone of himself. The only sure physical thing from his mother is his white skin.

"Lucas and I are also active in the Club, we're just not involved in its politics."

"Second of all, we're here at home and mom and dad are out of town and all of us are above the age of 21. This is a secure place to spill some Hellfire History, while experimenting on your alcohol tolerance. Drink up." Lucas opens a bottle of Heineken beer and hands it to her.

"Third, I'm a Doctor now so you're in good hands."

"Dante, you're still doing your residency."

"I'm equipped enough to handle hangovers and alcohol tolerance. Also I won't be drinking."

"This seems so contradictory to your oath."

"And finally" Lucas hands her a glass of water which she downs in one gulp.

"Anything Hellfire confidential that you spill within these four walls and tech equipment. I'll just edit it out."

"I'm starting to regret doing this."

"Kaycee trust us" Dante hands her another alcoholic drink.

"We won't do too much damage to your budding reputation." He and Lucas began laughing as Lucas made a second check to all of the recording equipment in their father's study.

"Look at the bright side baby sister."

"Lucas, what's the bright side to getting me drunk?"

"You're the one narrating the story. The actors and I will be acting towards whatever you say."

"Think about it Kaycee, it has to be Lucas who plays him. Lucas is just the version of him who doesn't have Emerald green eyes and who can't grow a beard. At the end of the day, you got the easy part."

**7:30 PM A Family Reunion Party (A few months later)**

It was after dinner and it was the start of the entertainment proper. The guests included friends of the family who was considered a part of the family. Some of these were former WOOHP agents who left after Tim Scam was fired from WOOHP and who have remained by his side. Though none of them took active part in any of the crimes he had committed.

"Lucas, what are you setting up?" Sam asked her son as he was opening the video file.

"Something entertaining mom, this is actually just a non-school homework."

"Non-school homework?"

"A homework that cannot be submitted because of the contents of this motion picture. But I had fun doing the homework that I just needed to make one just for our family to enjoy."

"Lucas" Sam began with a serious tone.

"This better not be something controversial."

"Don't worry mom, its history. Literally." He then gave a signal to his older brother Dante. Dante then stood up and called for everyone's attention.

"Good evening everyone. Thank you for making it to this year's reunion and on behalf of my family we're all glad you can make it." A round of applause was given and Tim Scam looked at his wife.

"Do you know anything about this?"

"Nope, no idea." He could sense Sam's worry as he placed an arm around her.

"My siblings and I would like to offer a special audio-visual presentation for your entertainment in celebration of a man who isn't well known beyond family members from our mom's side. So ladies and gentlemen, enjoy." The guests settled in as the room became dim and Lucas began to play the video file. The first thing that appeared was Kaycee's face on screen holding a cosmopolitan with her left hand and sitting on the sofa.

"Hello, I'm Kassandra Clarisse Simpson Scam, also known as Kaycee Scam. And in this surprise episode of Drunk History. I'll be talking about the nom-non-confidential story of my ancestor, Roger Simpson. Now" Kaycee momentarily places her drink down .

"A quick disclaimer while I am still semi-sober enough to say one. Because I will be inebriated for this story telling, I may be lost in the moment and say some adult words. Even if my brother Lucas edits it out or censors it. I apologize in advance to my parents and anyone who may be offended."

"Kaycee you better drink that before you drop the glass." Dante's voice says before Kaycee takes a large gulp from her Cosmopolitan.

"Oh my…that's…that was a lot more tangy than I imagined it to be."

"What were you expecting?"

"Something similar to the Shirley Temple mocktail." At this both brothers laughed and the screen transitioned showing a colonial painting.

"_Anyway, the setting was in colonial times America. Just before the revolutionary war." _The scene then transitioned to Lucas wearing a beard and was dressed up in a colonial attire in what looks like to be in a workshop.

"_Roger Simpson was a second gen Irish merchant who was managing the family business of making Irish lace. And let me tell ya-"_ the screen transitions back to Kaycee sitting on the sofa.

"_Irish lace crochet, is some artisan shit."_

"Really now?"

"Yes Dante, even with all my years of having crochet as my hobby…" The scene transitions back to Lucas holding an Irish Lace Crochet as he lip syncs and acts to his sister's words

'_**Irish lace crochet is the shit that requires professional training and an artist's eye to make. Even now, I highly doubt we could make a machine to actually make Irish lace crochet."**_Dante begins chuckling hard.

"Dante, I'm serious."

"Are you sure? Maybe you should ask if its impossible with mom and dad first."

"_Anyway" _The screen transitions back into Lucas with a beard and in a colonial time attire. This time he was walking around a colonial town who are also in the same period attire.

"_the point is that this type of lace is so beautiful that everyone and anyone who is part of the elite wants them. And that's how our Simpson side made their initial fortune. And because of this, Roger as the manager was invited to many parties." _The scene transitioned into Lucas dancing with many women in a colonial setting.

"_And the funny part of this was that many women in these parties, would sleep or flirt with him, just so they can get a discount in getting the thing."_

"_**So flirting and sex were some kind of coupon." **_Dante's sentence was being emoted by an extra who was watching women flocking to Lucas from its table that it shared with another extra. The other extra lip synced to Kaycee's voice.

"_**Yeah, it was, they would go to him and be like-" **_The scene cut to an actress near Lucas who was lip syncing to her sentence.

'_**Hey baby, you can see me naked tonight but only if you're going to give me a 75% discount on that Irish lace crochet.'**_

'_**Babe, if you give me the time of my life you can have it for free.'"**_ The audience laughed as Lucas finished lip syncing and held his arm out to the actress for a dance. And he continued to dance with multiple women throughout the scene to his sister's narration.

"_And this wasn't limited to just debutantes, even older women would go at him and would even throw in their money to give as capital in an attempt to get him away from other women."_

"_**Hahaha." **_Lucas lip syncs as he turned to a stop and another older lady approached him and spilled a drink on herself when she collided with Lucas.

"_**Oh my, I think I spilled some drink on my blouse. Hold on."**_

"_**Do you need a tissue?"**_

"_**No, I have-" **_Kaycee let's out a burp and she and Dante laugh. The scene cuts back to Kaycee and Dante.

"Sorry mom… for that."

"Don't rush it, you can just take sips." She then looks pointedly at Dante.

"My liver will need your medical services soon Dante." Dante again chuckled.

"You okay Kaycee?"

"Yeah, I'm…I'm just trying to search for the next thing – Where were we?"

"_He's sleeping around." _The scene then cuts to Lucas being lead to multiple rooms by different women.

"_Okay, so he's sleeping around." _The scene then cuts to Lucas escaping through multiple windows and doors.

"_And its because of him sleeping around that he learned how to sneak away and to deflect anyone who was following him."_ The scene cuts to night time with Lucas entering a colonial building which had neon lights which had the word "Motel".

"_And he had these "safe spots" which are just motels which only accepted cash and not credit,"_ Lucas was seen exchanging a key with his cash with a knowing look to the receptionist. It then cuts back to Kaycee's close up.

"_That he would go into first to remove anything-anyone from following him back home." _The scene cuts back to the colonial period and the focus was on an actor.

"_Then George Washington noticed this and was like _

'_**Hmmm, you know what, I think I should hire him to be my spy.'"**_ The actor then walks to Lucas.

"_So Washington went to him and was like _

'_**Hey dude, wanna be my spy against the British?'**_

'_**What's in it for me?' **_

'_**You could help us win this war?'" **_After the actor acts sheepish and Lucas turns to act contemplative. It cuts back to Kaycee's close up.

"_And Roger initially turned it down because he's a businessman and he doesn't really like violence. He was like"_

Cut back to Lucas' close-up.

'_**Yo I appreciate the offer, but no.'" **_

Lucas turns to leave but the actor reaches out to stop him.

"_and then Washington added_

'_**You get to sleep with more women.' **_

'_**Now, we're talking, when do I start?' **__And throughout the revolutionary war," _

The scene cuts to Kaycee's close-up.

"_He was essentially the American equivalent of a ninja." _The scene briefly cuts to Lucas in a funny mix of a ninja attire mixed with colonial attire before cutting to Dante's close-up.

"Pfff hahaha."

"Oh come on its true."

"Yeah I know, I was the one who explored those sets of genetic memories."

"_Yes and essentially,"_ Cut to Lucas pantomiming Ninja moves and with all the actors with an expression that showed that they saw Lucas but was pretending not to have noticed.

"_he was an American ninja, that's how good and smooth he was__**\- Hold on can you get me a glass of water."**_ Lucas and an actor lip syncs.

"_**Sure"**_

"_**Okay…um…where were we?"**_

"_**Smooth American ninja."**_ The camera then shows a sign in the colonial style with the words Smooth American Ninja Bar before Lucas nods and walks inside.

"_Okay, so as Washington's ninja, he closely worked with Alexander Hamilton." _The close-up shows the actor playing Hamilton writing several documents and lip synced to Dante's voice.

"_**A dot Ham"**_

"_Yup the same guy who has a Tony award winning musical."_ Hamilton's actor began to look frustrated as he looks at several documents as Lucas, still in his Colonial Ninja attire walks by to sit at the same table.

"_One of the early problems was that ancestor Roger wouldn't sign any of his letters where he passes off the information. And Hamilton was like _

'_**Bro, you're awesome and all but would it really kill you to sign your messages?'**_'

A brief cut back to Kaycee's close-up.

"_Now Roger was actually strategic by not signing any of his spy stuff-the spy info. He was like- _

Cuts back to Lucas' close-up

'_**Imma let you in on a secret, I don't sign my shit so that none of my spying shit can be traced back to me.' **_

'_**But Roger, how the fuck are we gonna know which shit is legit and which shit is fake news?'"**_

Cut back to Dante's close-up with him smirking.

"Pfff, you actually worked that in."

"See I told you I could work it in. Okay, let me finish this part first before I go and take a pee break." Kaycee said as she took a gulp of water.

"_So Roger said _

'_**Here, I'm going to make this squiggly line and some lines across it to mark that its from me, and the information is real.'"**_

"_**But it still doesn't have a name though."**_

"_**That's the point, the weird squiggly line and the lines crossing it was made to look so bad, that to other people, it would look like a kid was just doodling.**_

_And it actually worked and he gave Hamilton and Washington important information that was critical to the revolutionaries in the war." _

We return to Kaycee's close-up wherein she sits down with a newly made mojito cocktail on her hand.

"Okay, I'm back –"

"You'll be back, soon you'll see."

"Ooh, the Hamilton references." Kaycee drinks from a tall glass filled with a mojito cocktail.

"I'm starting to think that, if ancestor Roger hadn't sworn the Ham Squad into not writing his name on any private journals or letters, he might be a part of the musical by now."

"And we might be singing his parts." Dante says before drinking water.

"Not only that, people might ask us for Hamilton tickets." The siblings laughed and the screen transitioned again.

"_Okay, back to our scheduled story –_ The scene looms over a painting of Washington crossing the Delaware river with a text art that said "After the war".

"_So sometime after the revolutionary war when the country was in this in between period of fighting and creating a constitution for the new country; _

Cut to Hamilton's actor sitting down beside Lucas.

_Hamilton, knowing that Roger was also a merchant went to him and was like_

'_**Hey man, listen up I have this idea of making a financial system for our new country.' **__And Hamilton essenzally – essentially tells him of his debt plan. _They react to Kaycee's slur by looking up with a bewildered look before it cuts back to her close-up.

"I'm not going to do the details I'm too inebriated to go into that level of detail. _And Roger, told him"_

Cut back to the actors.

'_**Two things – first you're crazy for thinking up this shit. Second, I'm crazy for understanding why this country needs this shit.'**__ Cue the fistbump"_

"_**Oh yeah."**_

"_Yeah, this was the start of him believing that it may be feasible to dominate the world through economics rather than violence._ _You see ancestor Roger" _

The scene transitions into Lucas staring blankly to the camera, his face framed to one side as flashbacks of different acts of violence were seen beside him.

"_was suffering from PTSD. He wasn't in the main fight, but as a spy for Washington there were times when he had to kill to either protect himself or to prevent misinformation from reaching the revolutionaries. So as Hamilton started his political career, Roger was like _

'_**Okay, I'm going to start a group of trading people so that we can make a united stance against further violence and work towards prosperity.' **_

_He called it the __**'Life and Purrspery group'"**_ Lucas paused and raised an eyebrow to the camera when 'Purrspery' was said as he began to unveil a sign underneath a red cloth only to stop at 'and'.

"_**What? Purrspery?"**_ An extra lip syncs before it cuts back to Kaycee and Dante.

"_Oh sorry, Prosperity. The Life and Prosperity group." _At this part Lucas unveils the sign as a whole. Before it returns to Kaycee's close-up.

"Oh gosh, I think its safe to say I'm…a little beyond tipsy."

"Do you want more water?"

"No,, I'm fine. I just need to … remember where we're heading." She takes a deep breath.

"_The Life and Prosperity group, didn't last long. Because the merchant class wasn't united on anything. Some merchants even profit more if there's a war going on, so promoting peace was against their interests. And Roger was like_ The scene cuts to Lucas ordering a drink and lip syncs as the bartender looks at him with sympathy.

'_**It sounded better in my head. Why don't these people get it? Why does no one get that the better way to make anything come true is through money?.'**_

Two actresses with their hands at the small of each other's back approach Lucas.

_Then one of the traders, Viviene Lang and her lover, Claudia Kenny went to him and proposed an idea._

'_**Hey Roger, we totally get what you're trying to do. So listen up, we've got something that'll help you do what you gotta do.'"**_

"_**Get Hamilton?"**_

"_**Nope, even better. We're going to make a super exclusive club. We're going to pick and choose who gets to be a part of it. And through this club, we'll dominate and influence politics."**_

"_**So, is it like a Fraternity?"**_

Cut back to Kaycee and Dante.

"…I guess, this was the club before grandma Dany's reforms. But back then ancestor Roger was thinking something along the lines of an unofficial lobbying group."

"Wait what's the difference between a fraternity and the club?"

"The club is more of a platform for becoming dominant in your field. Fraternities I think are more of a support group, group of friends? I don't know I'm an outsider to that culture. Also, the club openly acknowledges members who belong to different fraternities and sororities. Wait, Lucas can we say that?"

"Oh-oh Lucas have we said too much?"

"Guys, chill. If its not allowed, I'll edit it out."

"Thank yooooou." Kaycee says as she lies down in an almost cartoonish on the sofa.

"Lucas, she's in drunk territory."

"Noted Dante."

"Keep all sharp objects away from her."

"Uuum where were we?"

"You're near the end, ancestor Roger made a new-"

"_Oh , oh yeah, um the new club."_

The scene transitions into a table where Lucas was in between two women as they looked over some documents.

"_So before he officially disbanded the Life and Prosperity group, he, Viviene Lang and Claudia Kenny made a list of those who would be invited to the new club. And then, depending on influence, wealth and ability to be trusted – they were just researching essentially-"_A few other actors join them.

"_They picked who would join them in __**the managing slash government slash face of the new Club. That's a forward slash meaning 'or' by the way, not slash the erase this word slash. "**_

"_**Noted."**_

"_Yes, and then this council convened. First order of business was making a new name." _Cuts back to Kaycee taking a gulp from her Mojito.

"_Now, ancestor Roger had amazing skills, which includes his spy slash ninja skills, his financial skills and his managing and merchy-trading skills…but giving new awesome worthy names to anything was not part of his skill set."_

"Haha, yeah I agree."

"I think in his mind 'Money and goods club' sounded nice. But really its just barely decent."

"Kaycee, you're being harsh to our ancestor."

"This is me being nice!" Dante laughed and soon began to clench his stomach as she drank a big gulp of mojito.

It then transitions back to the actors.

"_Okay, so before anymore worse suggestions popped up. I forgot who gave the name but someone finally said_

'_**Your name suggestions are all bullshit. Fuck all that. Why don't we call this club, the…wait for it…Hellfire Club! Woohoo yeah bloop bloop bloop we finally have a cool name!'"**_

"_**We can finally call it the Hellfire Club in this program, ladies and gentlemen."**_

"Who are you talking to Dante?" At this everyone in the audience laughed as they see Kaycee look around.

"The audience, the audience that will be watching this."

"…oh its still filming? I thought we went to the 'do not spread Hellfire stuff' part."

"Its just the name of the club, there's no 'hush hush do not spill' secret in the name."

"Okay, thank you for that clarity-clarife-clarification Lucas – Okay, I am drunk."

"Yes you are."

"Let's move on, I still have half a mojito left." She gulps a huge amount of her drink before taking a breath.

"_In order for the club, to actually be able to do things, they needed money slash capital."_

The scene is now Lucas, still clothed but in bed with each arm holding a woman in just an underskirt and corset.

"_Now ancestor Roger was having a polygamous affair with these two married women who were best friends and for some reason was fine sharing a partner. They were ancestor Robbin Smith, the woman our line is descended from and Jane Foster – __**yes she has the same name as the Marvel Jane Foster.**_ After Lucas lip syncs, the scene transitions to a split screen packing up their things and going out.

"_Anyway these two…married for connections. They were married to people with influence behind the scenes. Both already bore sons to their husbands who was also cheating on them and they were like_

'_**Look, we did our job, we gave you heirs, we're now going to support and fuck someone who is a better lover than you anyway.'**_

Cuts back to Kaycee and Dante.

"And you know what I find weird?"

"What?"

"Neither of them divorced their husbands even when they've already started to live with ancestor Roger. Like…why?"

"We'll explore those in another day."

"Oh yeah, Hellfire…er...okay I found myself.

"_So these two women were wealthy." _The scene cuts to Lucas and the actresses.

"_And when ancestor Roger told them about the Hellfire Club and how they needed capital, they were like_

'_**Okay, we're going to give you the money so that you can go forth…go forward and resent-represent our interests. But in exchange, we get to be members too.' **_

_And because he was a bit desperate for capital he was like_

'_**Thank you'. **_

_Adding his two mistresses was a part of, but not the entire reason why he became a bit unpopular._ The scene cuts to Lucas confiscating weapons and buying jewelry.

"_The other two, that I think I can spill is that he allowed only methods that weren't violent and he wanted to give preference over certain types of businesses like the ones who are into producing luxury items and alcohol."_

"Well that part didn't really change."

"Pfff yeah. Hold on let me hydrate myself."

"With water or mojito?"

"I'm going to put water in my mojito."

"You'll need another break soon."

"I think we are legitimately almost done. Lemme have a drink." Kaycee finishes her drink and lets out a little burp.

"Excuse me…yeah…I can tell we're in the last part. _So because of his gradual unpopularity, and because one of his political allies, had Hamilton died, he was no longer untouchable. Eventually" _The scene cuts to Lucas in bed with fake blood going out of his mouth.

"_He died of tuberculosis. But according to our Simpson family members, he was actually poisoned. But whatever, the cause of death was," _The screen now plays a flashback montage over Kaycee's narration.

"_You still can't deny that it was his vision and his idea came from his trauma during wartime. It was so traumatic enough, that he wouldn't want to place it on another person. Sometimes I think that because we grew up during a time of peace or in a place where there's no open armed conflict that we forget how horrible it can be-" _Kaycee begins to hiccup and nearly drops the glass where the mojito used to be.

"That's your physiology telling you that it is time to sleep off the hangover you are going to feel soon."

"Good night" hiccup "bahyeee"

The video ends and the credits begin to roll. And the guests begin to applaud. And the couple calls their children and embraced them.

"Well that solves the question why our alcohol was depleted when your mom and I came back." Everyone chuckled at this while Kaycee was blushing from embarrassment.

"Just so we're all clear, I'm not planning to get drunk again anytime soon. And that's not how I act normally."

"Oh so you don't want to do 'Drunk History: WOOHP' or 'Drunk History: The real Legally Blonde story'?"

"Lucas Gabriel Simpson Scam" Sam said in a low but very dangerous tone.

"Sam, darling don't deprive them of their fun-" Tim started massaging Sam's hand.

"Thanks Dad."

"No Whiskey, Vodka or Rum for your sister." He said in a very intimidating tone.

"…that's fair."

"Dante you can't be serious. Dad what if its in a cocktail?" Tim chuckled.

"Then replace it, you're the one who took brewing and mixology as a hobby."

"By the way Lucas, what type of homework was this?"

"Lip syncing and a self-starring movie with me still as the director and editor."

The homemade Drunk History episode was a surprise hit. Especially among the guests who were not aware of Roger Simpson's existence or history. When word got out that Lucas was teasing Kaycee of a "Drunk History:WOOHP" a lot of former and current WOOHP agents were surprisingly excited by the idea. One of Tim's closest friends jokingly suggested that maybe Dante should be the narrator.

"…I'm not opposed to the idea." Much to Sam's chagrin

"Dante Spiridon Simpson Scam."

"Just joking mom."

**The End**

**So how was my first stint at comedy? I hope you didn't find it too confusing and I hope I got at least one happy laugh from you.**


End file.
